


you don't deserve yourself

by milkcan



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Dependency Issues, Dissociation, Panic Attacks, Post-Squip, Self-Esteem Issues, jeremy with a legit stutter, romantic if u squint, the squip is Relentless, violent urges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 11:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11758767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkcan/pseuds/milkcan
Summary: Jeremy glances back over at his alarm clock.3:17am.Why are you feeling so alone, Jeremy? It’s only expected at a time when everyone is asleep, or supposed to be asleep. You only have yourself. And me, of course.Jeremy sneers. Yeah, well. You’re supposed to be gone.(Jeremy has a meltdown at 3am and Michael comes to the rescue)





	you don't deserve yourself

**Author's Note:**

> hi this is the first fic ive written since like. march of last year lmao!! ive been lurking the bmc tags on both here and tumblr and i felt like i had to contribute something. this is Certainly a start 
> 
> the title is an ajj song btw! 
> 
> warning for a bunch of self hate and squip encouraging it, mention of injuries, and like. description of dissociation feelings.

Jeremy jolts upright in his bed, his head spinning from the sudden movement. He glances at the bright red numbers on his alarm clock

 

3:12am.

 

_ Can’t even get a full night’s sleep, can you? _

 

Jeremy blows out a slow breath from pursed lips.

 

_ You have school in four hours. _

 

No kidding. I don’t need this right now.

 

He flops back down on his back, staring at the ceiling, tracing the cacophony of grooves and lines with his eyes. A deep feeling of dread, loneliness, and whatever miscellaneous  _ bad  _ feeling he’s been suppressing for the day begins to crawl around in his stomach. Jeremy glances back over at his alarm clock.

 

3:17am.

 

_ Why are you feeling so alone, Jeremy? It’s only expected at a time when everyone is asleep, or supposed to be asleep. You only have yourself. And me, of course. _

 

Jeremy sneers. Yeah, well. You’re supposed to be gone.

 

When was the last time he had drank Red? Last week? Who knows. He sure as hell didn’t expect to be drinking a drink that expired twenty years ago every other week in order to keep his voice the loudest.

 

Guess that’s what happens when you blow 400 bucks on a wintergreen Tic-Tac with a supercomputer inside of it so you can be  _ cool _ , but really you just became an ultra asshole.

 

Things will really never be the same again.

 

Yeah, sure, Michael said things were fine, he had apologized, but there was some sort of proverbial blockade straining their relationship, and it made the feeling of dread that decided to wake him up and bug him churn faster in Jeremy’s stomach.

You let twelve years of friendship go down the toilet the night of the Halloween party, and Michael has every reason to still be pissed off. A loser? What the hell were you thinking, letting the SQUIP just tell him what to say, if anything he was just as much of

 

_ I wasn’t on in that bathroom, Jeremy. _

 

The feeling in his stomach begins to claw at his throat, gnawing at his outstretched limbs.

 

_ You called Michael a loser all on your own. _

 

Jeremy feels like he’s melting into his mattress, the dread churning faster in his arms. They feel like dead weight at his sides.

 

No.

 

_ No? _

 

No, you conditioned me to say something like that, because you made me think he wasn’t worthy of hanging with me.

 

He blows another slow exhale through pursed lips, trying to ground himself, identify his surroundings, but the awful feeling is churning into his head. Jeremy feels like he’s drowning.

 

_ Are you so sure about that? _

 

He rolls onto his side, his legs drawing up to his chest. They feel full of static, his heart is pounding in his ears and his brain feels like a bowl of pudding. The alarm clock screams

 

3:26am.

 

Am I so sure about that.

 

_ You hurt him, Jeremy. _

 

A garbled sigh escapes his mouth, causing him to startle, barely registering the sound as his own as it works through the static in his limbs. God, he let this shit happen to himself. It’s been literally ten minutes and he can’t even ground himself

 

_ You’re terrible. You’re a terrible friend, you  _ and _ Michael both know that. He doesn’t like you Jeremy, especially after everything  _ you’ve  _ done to him. _

 

Since when did his pillow get wet?- Oh. He’s crying. Or something like that. He can only really feel the static trickling through his body and the pounding of his heart in his ears. When did he start crying?

 

_ 45 seconds ago. _

 

Yeah okay thanks a lot you fucking floppy disc

 

_ Do you talk to your friends like that? _

 

Like what

 

_ Calling them names, regarding them with sarcasm? _

 

You’re not my friend 

 

_ You’re not going to have any with that attitude. What kind of friend are you, calling your only friend a  _ loser **,** _ Jeremy. _

 

But I wasn’t the one who called him a loser it was you who made me call him a loser

 

_ But it still came out of your mouth. _

 

Ok but it was still y

 

_ And I was off, Jeremy. _

 

A frustrated keen hits the pudding in Jeremy’s brain as he bolts upright. “Why can’-can’t you leave muh-me the  _ hell _ alone! Why ha-haven’t you left, why am I stuf-stuck with  _ you _ ?”

 

He vaguely registers the hysteria in his voice, how warm and  _ buzzing _ his feet are under the comforter, the tears and snot streaking his face, the racing heart in his ears, the buzzing in his hands splayed out next to him

 

_ When will you learn to not speak out loud? Especially at such an early hour. Everyone’s asleep, Jeremy, and you’re alone. _

 

Oh  _ wow _ , he can’t breathe. Suddenly everything is too much, the weight of his head, the feeling of dread that’s engulfed his body, the warmth and static in his feet, the overwhelming feeling of being  _ alone _ , and  _ oh God, he’s so alone and he did it all to himself _

 

Call Michael he’s probably still awake, yeah, Michael who hates your guts and is only staying with you because he feels some sort of obligation towards you

 

_ What obligation? He can make his own choices, and he could leave you just like you left him. _

 

Jeremy runs both his static-y hands through his hair, tugging slightly and resisting the urge to hit something out of frustration. (Because that never ends well you’ll end up with bruises you’re such an idio)

 

“Why ca-ca-can’t you shut up, huh?”

 

_ You said it, not me. _

 

He grits his teeth and slaps his hand against the bedside table, the buzzing intensifying on impact. Find your phone, ground yourself more, focus on the coolness of the bedside table.

 

_ Are you going to call Michael? _

 

He found it. Jeremy unlocks his phone (Shit it’s 3:45 I’m  _ fucked _ wow nice going can’t even get that right), goes to the “Player 1 <3” contact and hits call.

 

_ What makes you think he’s going to answer you at this hour? _

 

Nothing absolutely nothing, but you’re definitely of no help.

 

1 ring

 

2 rings

 

The buzzing in Jeremy’s hands moves faster.

 

3 rings

 

_ He doesn’t want to talk to you, Jeremy. _

 

4 rings

 

_ What kind of friend are you, waking someone up in order to talk about how awful you were to them when they are already aware? _

 

5 rings

 

His heart’s pounding in his ears again.

 

Oh man he really does hate me I fucked up I fucked

 

“Hey-”

 

Jeremy starts.

 

“-it’s Michael! Sorry you couldn’t get me right now, I’ll call ya back as-”  _ Click. _

 

Jeremy lets out an exhale he didn’t realize he’d been holding, the pressure sloshing in his head, fresh tears beginning to fall. What an idiot, it’s ass crack o'clock, of course he’s not going to answer his phone, why did you think it was such a good idea to find comfort in him at such a shit time, you’ve hurt him in every way so why not hurt his sleep schedule too, huh? You really  _ are _ alone, are

 

He’s jolted out of his thoughts by his phone buzzing alongside the quick thrum in his hand. Jeremy quickly accepts the call.

 

“Huh?”

 

“Huh? Jer, you’re the one calling  _ me _ !”

 

Jeremy sits up, his head lurching forward, feeling like nothing.

 

“Michael?”

 

He hears a quick laugh. “Yup, it’s me. Is everything alright, buddy?”

 

It’s as if everything he’s been feeling for the last hour has simultaneously rushed through him again  _ and _ out of him because Jeremy is letting out a sob and his whole body is shaking and his body is thrumming intensely, the tears heavy against his cheeks and

 

_ How pathetic. _

 

“Noth-nothing’s alright, Mike-Michael, I real-really needl-needed to hear yuh-your-your-FUCK!” He runs his free hand through his hair and tugs, sniffing roughly. He hears Michael’s bed squeak in the background.

 

“Hey, hey Jer, relax, can you try to do that for me?”

 

Jeremy’s trying not to lash out, the buzzing in his hands is overwhelming, his face is streaked with tears. He feels so  _ weak _ , he can’t get a simple word out, how stupid, stupid, stup

 

“Do you need me to come over?”

 

His head is reeling. You disrupt his sleep, and now you’re going to make him come over hours before school, you ask so  _ much _ from someone you’ve treated like

 

“Jeremy?”

 

“Can-can you please? I-I’m really suh-sorry.” 

 

He hears Michael get out of bed.

 

“No, dude, you’re fine, I’ll be right over.” 

 

He hears Michael ascend the stairs leading to his front door.

 

“I’ll meet you at the front door?”

 

Jeremy flexes his feet. The buzzing has mostly stopped, being replaced with a tremble. Maybe going down the stairs to get the door isn’t such a good idea.

 

_ You’re asking him for a lot, don’t you think? _

 

“Can you come-can you come to thi-the window?”

 

“Of course. I’ll be over in five, okay?”

 

“Ok-okay.”  _ Click. _

 

Jeremy lets out a slow shaky breath and looks at his alarm clock.

 

4:02am.

 

Cool, great, fantastic you’re friend of the year Jeremiah you let your problems interfere with your best friend’s is he even your best friend sleep. God you’re so dependent on him isn’t that  _ unhealthy _ you run to him every time you freak out even when he hates your guts he’s so so so tired of you

 

_ Get ahold of yourself. _

 

Oh _now_ you’re trying to help me you’ve been FUCKING with me for the last hour

 

_ What will Michael think, seeing you like this? _

 

Jeremy’s suddenly aware of how dry his face feels, the snot and tears clinging stubbornly to him. He feels  _ disgusting _ . He idly rubs under his nose, trying to rid himself of the feeling the best he can.

 

_ At least you aren’t in hysterics anymore. _

 

He’s so  _ exhausted _ . Everything from the last hour is finally catching up with him, now that he’s finally coming back down.

 

What if Michael lied though and he’s

 

Three quick  _ tap-tap-tap _ ’s on the window make Jeremy’s heart leap into his throat, flinging himself out of bed toward his window. He stumbles, clutching his bedside table, the red numbers on the alarm clock mocking him. He moves toward the window slowly, unlocking it and pulling it up to meet Michael’s nervous smile. Jeremy breathes a sigh of relief.

 

“Hey,” Michael whispers, and he’s barely in the room when Jeremy throws his arms around him tightly.

 

“I’m real-really sorry, Mike, it’s really late but I nih-needed someone.”

 

Michael rests his arms around Jeremy’s neck and leads them backwards to sit on the bed.

 

“It’s totally fine, dude, you know I would do anything for you.”

 

He moves back to lean against the headboard, letting Jeremy lie on his chest, and immediately moving to stroke Jeremy’s hair.

 

Jeremy cringes. The hair stroking is  _ really _ soothing.

 

This is exactly the problem.

 

“Do you wanna talk about what happened?”

 

The alarm clock catches his eye.

 

4:11am

 

Jeremy looks up at Michael. In the darkness of his room, he can tell his eyes are sunken in from lack of sleep and a pang of guilt surges through the subsiding static in his limbs.

 

“Tomorrow’s ‘nother day.”

 

_ Why not talk to him, that’s what you wanted, yes? _

 

Michael smiles and breathes out a laugh. “It’s already tomorrow, Jer.”

 

He lets out a groan at that, burying his face in Michael’s chest. “Y’know what I muh-mean.”

 

“You got it.”

 

_ Jeremy, it’s crucial that you speak with Michael about how you’re feeling. You called him over for an inadequate reason. _

 

He wraps his arms around Michael’s waist tightly.

 

Shut up.

 

“I luh-. I love you, dude.”

 

“...Love you too, Jer.”

**Author's Note:**

> this turned into a projection fic real quick lma o  
> (also i still havent figured out formatting for ao3 forgive me)
> 
> (my tumblr is mouthmantraa !!)


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